A useless guide to dealing with heartbreaks

On the onset, let me say.... this article is largely for the fairer sex. Not that it is completely off limits for men, but its written by a woman for the lovely ladies out there. So guys who are reading this, read at your own risk 

So coming back to the topic at hand.... heartbreak. Heartbreaks are inevitable, almost like periods. They make you moody, come at their pre designated times, put you in lots of pain and leave you drained. But just like periods, they go.... till ofcourse you fuck up again! And here I make an attempt to as how to make the transition a lil bit bearable 

I strongly believe that music heals. So wherever there are lyrics, the readers are requested to assume its the background score to the below written lines. Sounds difficult, but try, its super fun

Phase - Ek din aap yu humko mil jayenge, maine socha na tha

So you start there. You are in love. Everything is awesome. You are on cloud nine. Life is rainbows and butterflies. You have found the perfect person (or atleast someone who you dont want to kill)


You spend days and nights thinking about them. You wait and wait to hear from them. And smile like an idiot when you receive a message. You have already created a picture of your whole life with this person. Yeah like gone totally psycho ... Till

You realize there is a slight problem.. The person is not in love with you! Boom!

Phase - Jispe hum mar mite usko pata bhi nahi... kya gila hum kare wo bewafa bhi nahi

And here the trouble starts...

At first you just find it difficult to accept that they dont love you. Like you know you are awesome, how can this happen to you. This is cheating

Typical questions you will ask in this stage are - 
"But why wont he like me? I was nice to him. I am kind. I am intelligent. Didnt he say once that he is sapiosexual? Bloody hypocrite liar. How the hell did I get friendzoned? What was I thinking? Duh" 

Phase - It must have been love, but its over now. It must have been good, but I lost it somehow..

And such begins the process of self analysis. Hours and hours of replaying various scenarios in your head of what happened and what could have been

Typical questions you will ask in this stage are - 
"Did I do something to hurt him? Should I not have said that one sarcastic thing? Should I have been more patient? Am I unlovable? Was I too easy? What if things would have happened differently? Do I stink? As in literally... and figuratively."

And boy this stage is a bitch. Gives you sleepless nights. Keeps you away from focusing on work. You literally start looking like an idiot coz your minds keeps drifting away from discussions and meetings. But acceptance comes... painfully slowly... but it does

Phase - Andhera tera maine le liya, mera ujala sitara tere naam kiya (I know  its a super cliched song. But you are allowed cliched in this phase)

Thus you finally accept that they are not for you. And decide to let go before.... well more izzat ka falloda. You try to be all graceful in your exit with the most classiest of goodbyes. And you are proud of yourself for handling the situation so nicely with no drama. And you realize, that wow that was easy... I am freeee

This phase requires you to do things to distract your mind. Going out with friends, watching a series (get in touch with me for some good options), going to the theater to watch a movie... Oh Movie theater.. it reminds me of him. Going to the movies is temporarily ruined for me (still will go, cant give up watching movies in the theater)

Phase - I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you, take me back to the night we met (you are so sad that you literally discover a song used as a background score on a Netflix series. Btw this is the song Clay and Hannah dance to)

All the grace and confidence from the previous phase has gone by now. You have started posting all weird psycho posts about unrequited love which you think no one would understand (but everyone knows that you are fucking heart broken). Girls who drink, get drunk in this phase. And the unfortunate ones who dont, find other irritating means of catharsis (writing, painting, talking nonsense nonstop etc.)

Pyaar tumhe kitna karte hai, Tum ye samajh nahi paaoge...
Jab hum na honge to peeharwa...Bolo kya tab aaoge? (Good taste in music helps)

This is a tricky phase. You no longer talk to them, no more messages. You start having all withdrawal symptoms. You no longer feel like talking to anyone. You continue having sleepless nights. You have sudden bouts of irritation and anger... And a relapse is round the corner

You break down and finally make an attempt to reach out. If it goes well, good for you. But God forbid if at that very moment he is out with another girl..... My my the pain it causes.... Almost like someone making you watch Apna Sapna Money Money, Welcome Back, Ramgopal Verma ki Aag and Gunda back to back

Typical things you will say in this stage are - 

"Thats it... I will never ever talk to him again. Let him say what he wants, I am gone"

Kahi kahi se har chehra tum jaisa lagta hai, tumko bhul na payenge hum aisa lagta hai...

You know the situation is hopeless now, but  hopelessness also brings a bit of madness. You literally start remembering him by anything.  It starts with really random things like "oh Oxygen reminds me of him. He used to breathe oxygen all the time, it was his favourite"

Then you feel as if you see them everywhere.... Everything reminds you of them. The songs, the series, the movies, the stories. Its like you miss them so much that you feel the memories would drive you mad

Typical things you will say and do in this stage are - 

"Gosh I miss him so much. This song reminds me of him. Shit I need a distraction. Let me think of someone hot instead. Patrick Swayze in Ghost. Oh yeah, its working. Patrick's face, his fingers, his shoulder blades,.... oh no, his shoulder blades are exactly like HIS. Shit Patrick Swayze is ruined for me..." Weep weep weep

Benaam si khwaayishein awaz na mile (Coke studio for you)

By now you have completely lost it. You are a sober version of Devdas with no male Chandramukhi in sight. In such a case you end up turning to who else.... best friends

You take them to your favourite place (in my case Marine Drive). Have a good time. Till you end up crying on their shoulder (like literally crying) and scaring the shit out of them. Mostly so if they have never seen you crying in the donkey years they know you for (some falls are damn too hard). 

On a different note I am blessed with a best friend (touchwood) who does not even ask me the reason for crying so that I could cry in peace. And boy does she get scared when I cry 

Nobody said it was easy.. Nobody said it would be this hard

Slowly but surely you start getting better. Acceptance starts coming. You start to work hard at office. You smile more and hell even laugh sometimes. 

A few days you even get up "not sad". Start your work out routines again (yoga, walk, run anything that you previously did)

Till a point when you start to realize that you have wasted a lot of time remaining sad... all for a boy... Meh

Typical things you will say in this stage are - 

"I am over it now. I am all fine. Its just a boy. I didnt even know him well. Look how much hardships some people have to endure. We are the lucky ones. From now on I am bloody never looking back again. Charge ahead!"

Raindrops keep falling on my head, but that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be red (this songs works better with a skip in your step) 

Life is starting to be better again. Almost going back to normal. Yeyy. Finally a relief from all the pain and longing. Till....

You read or come across something that reminds you of that one beautiful thing only both of you exclusively shared

And you once again lose your shit. 

And then you recover

And lose your shit again

This is the most appropriate time for you to google "Bipolar Disorder" and ask your best friend to check if you have it

Tera karu tera karu din gin gin ke intezaar aja piya aayi bahar  (Wondering why this song? Well basically by now you are really tired of the sad stuff.)

By this time you realize that English songs are good to soothe you but if you just want to dance to relive stress, nothing can replace Bollywood music. So put on those 80s & 90s dance numbers and dance till you drop. Madhuri songs work like magic

Till you realize Madhuri too has been ruined for you. Gosh.... Next mission... RECLAIM MADHURI DANCE STEPS

Allah ke bande hasde jo bhi ho kal fir ayega (only love makes an atheist sing of the higher power)

You are getting stronger. Your breakdowns have reduced considerably. You still think of them, but its not consuming your life. And you are happy about it

Finally healing... slowly but surely

Typical things you will say in this stage are - 
"I always miss him at this time of evening. Let me get a distraction, hmmm Benedict Cumberbatch.... ah, the cheekbones, the eyes, the lips.... yeyyyy Benedict is not ruined for me!! Victory..

Jise dhoondha zamane me... mujhime tha... Safarnama

All you need now is a closure. And the best thing about closure is that it comes at the most unexpected moment. It may come while talking to your friends, while getting drunk, while traveling or while weeping in a monastery in  remote corner of the world

But closure is beautiful. It heals you. Now you can move forward. Look at things objectively.... And most importantly be friends again if possible

Boondon se hi toh hai wahi, baandh lenge leherein, Pairo tale jo bhi mile, baandh lenge hum..... Kinare

So... Losing someone you love is tough. But like everything in life, you have a choice of how you want to deal with it. Be kind to yourself. 

In the end it all boils down to what brings you happiness - being with them or seeing them happy and healthy wherever they are. And trust me if your love was true, you will always choose the latter. Love is called unconditional for a reason. And in this day and age, that kind of love is almost a super power. And that makes you  kickass superhero 

So cry, heal and dont forget to laugh on yourself. 

Stop beating yourself for falling in love. Probably you are not an easy person to love. So wait till you find your type of crazy. Who will not tolerate you, but who will cherish you

Till then keep smiling, keep laughing, be kind, be happy...

Coz afterall Ek din bik ayega maati ke mol, jag me reh jayenge pyare tere bol